I sit with my fingers at my mouth. A true sign of my former embarassment. It has passed, but what has been reaped has stays with me. I can't help but wonder why you would notice my hands. You would laugh at me bewildered by how often it happened, and I would wonder why you noticed; when you started noticing. I hated and loved that you knew, but I would wait to tell you what held me back.

My life has been an awakening; an enlightenment of the most undivine kind. Human nature took over my body and mind, and twisted and toiled with them until something happened. That something wasn't tangible, wasn't clean, but was pure and innocent. I lost that purity with you, but the innocence, while still there is black, and deep like the creases in the eyes of a widow. My joy became doubtful, but still happened. My saddness became real, and so close. My anger was raw, and yet unleashable. But my embarassment became my own, my one true emotion, which could trigger joy, saddness and anger in the same moment. The only way I knew I was true.

The day you asked me why I was embarassed I knew you wouldn't like the reason. I was unhappy. Everything was trivial but so important, beyond even myself. Everything had a higher power and an expectation, but I did not want to fathom any of it. When you asked, I knew it was over. My shrowd of happiness and longing, of joy and love was gone. You knew all I had was you, and more was needed.

When you asked me however, you gave me something back. Asking took away my untruths. My embarassment was the first truth I had to tell you, and the last. I was forced to feel what I had wanted to for 5 years, and I felt real. My embarassment gave me the option to feel any emotion without hiding. I knew what joy felt like and I could pursue it. I knew when saddness could be avoidable, and I wove and dodged. I knew the anger I could feel would eventually pass, and that I could be the person to forgive, and not be hurt.

I look at you now, and you are hurt. You are raw, and cold. The emotions you hold on to are weak and without purpose; cast aside as though you don't mean anything. I know one day you will find what will give you the strength to feel real emotion, but do not look to me for saving; you do not want my help. Look for it in the one you love, the one you should love. YOURSELF.

August 31, 2009

"Monday, Aug 31st, 2009 -- Something that you chose to keep to yourself may now become an irritant in your relationships. You may realize that it would have been smarter to be fully forthright and to share any uncertainties you were harboring. But it's too late to go back and do it differently. Start clean in the present moment and clear the air before moving on" -http://www.tarot.com/astrology/daily-horoscope/libra-horoscope/?scopeDay=20090831

Yeah, crap. Apparently harboring feelings is not the best thing to do. Usually I will be the brutally honest side of my relationships, and therefore take all subsequent slack and upheaval that deflects from the other side of said relationships. I DO feel like I'm keeping something from my best friend, but I have no way of speaking to her about it.

Recently I found out my mom is bipolar and while I do not hesitate to answer questions about it as it relates to her well being, I find it difficult to explain to friends just how much it is affecting me. Should I confront these friends who ask "why can't you come out?", "why aren't you moving?" or should I keep this information to myself? It's a tight spot!