I sit with my fingers at my mouth. A true sign of my former embarassment. It has passed, but what has been reaped has stays with me. I can't help but wonder why you would notice my hands. You would laugh at me bewildered by how often it happened, and I would wonder why you noticed; when you started noticing. I hated and loved that you knew, but I would wait to tell you what held me back.

My life has been an awakening; an enlightenment of the most undivine kind. Human nature took over my body and mind, and twisted and toiled with them until something happened. That something wasn't tangible, wasn't clean, but was pure and innocent. I lost that purity with you, but the innocence, while still there is black, and deep like the creases in the eyes of a widow. My joy became doubtful, but still happened. My saddness became real, and so close. My anger was raw, and yet unleashable. But my embarassment became my own, my one true emotion, which could trigger joy, saddness and anger in the same moment. The only way I knew I was true.

The day you asked me why I was embarassed I knew you wouldn't like the reason. I was unhappy. Everything was trivial but so important, beyond even myself. Everything had a higher power and an expectation, but I did not want to fathom any of it. When you asked, I knew it was over. My shrowd of happiness and longing, of joy and love was gone. You knew all I had was you, and more was needed.

When you asked me however, you gave me something back. Asking took away my untruths. My embarassment was the first truth I had to tell you, and the last. I was forced to feel what I had wanted to for 5 years, and I felt real. My embarassment gave me the option to feel any emotion without hiding. I knew what joy felt like and I could pursue it. I knew when saddness could be avoidable, and I wove and dodged. I knew the anger I could feel would eventually pass, and that I could be the person to forgive, and not be hurt.

I look at you now, and you are hurt. You are raw, and cold. The emotions you hold on to are weak and without purpose; cast aside as though you don't mean anything. I know one day you will find what will give you the strength to feel real emotion, but do not look to me for saving; you do not want my help. Look for it in the one you love, the one you should love. YOURSELF.

August 31, 2009

"Monday, Aug 31st, 2009 -- Something that you chose to keep to yourself may now become an irritant in your relationships. You may realize that it would have been smarter to be fully forthright and to share any uncertainties you were harboring. But it's too late to go back and do it differently. Start clean in the present moment and clear the air before moving on" -http://www.tarot.com/astrology/daily-horoscope/libra-horoscope/?scopeDay=20090831

Yeah, crap. Apparently harboring feelings is not the best thing to do. Usually I will be the brutally honest side of my relationships, and therefore take all subsequent slack and upheaval that deflects from the other side of said relationships. I DO feel like I'm keeping something from my best friend, but I have no way of speaking to her about it.

Recently I found out my mom is bipolar and while I do not hesitate to answer questions about it as it relates to her well being, I find it difficult to explain to friends just how much it is affecting me. Should I confront these friends who ask "why can't you come out?", "why aren't you moving?" or should I keep this information to myself? It's a tight spot!

Pets De Soeurs aka "Nun Farts"

Pets De Soeurs recipe

Ingredients:
Left over pie crust, or thawed pie pastry
butter
sugar
cinnamon
water

Roll the dough until it is fairly thin, although it should be thicker than a regular
pie crust.
Butter the dough with soft butter, cover with 1/4 inch of brown sugar and
sprinkle with cinnamon.
Roll the dough up like a jelly roll and slice into circles about 1/2 inch thick.
Pour water into a casserole dish.
Put the sliced dough into the casserole and bake at 375F for about 30 minutes
or until the pets de soeur are golden brown.

things to buy while in Montreal...

I am not a crazy American Apparel fan with shiny metallic leotards hanging in my closet..but they do have the occasional cute find. From American Apparel I would like to buy:
this dress. It hugs all the right curves, while smooshing in the "bad" ones. Also this color, is that perfect shade of slate gray; gray mixed with a bit of purple. This picture doesn't show the open back, but the swooping neck line is definitely something to love. Extremely basic, wonderfully shic.






I really like this two toned pencil skirt and the idea of wearing it with the racer back tank top on the other side. But because these are both extremely basic, easy to wear pieces of clothing, they can be paired with most anything. I for one, love the fact that the arm holes of the tank do not come right up to the arm pits. Its a very sexy part of the body, and it often goes unnoticed (until this season).
The skirt is great because its either a high waisted pencil skirt or you can slink it down lower and wear it a bit more conservatively. There is nothing conservative about how it fits. Like the dress from the beginning, this skirt really does not lend anything to hide behind.

I really love the braided belt idea. I would prefer a belt that is a bit lighter in color and about a half an inch thinner. While this belt may not be exactly what I want, it definitely comes close to how I would like it to fit and where I would like to wear it.
I also love the floral pattern of the skirt. Even though florals are usually a spring print, I think if I want to I should be allowed to carry it over into the winter months, perhaps continue wearing them into the next summer. Especially if I love the garment. Shirt or skirt, really I just love the print.

Even though everyone now has a fedora, I still really really love them. What a wonderful way to wear loose natural wavy hair, and natural makeup. The hat definitely brings out the angles of the face, especially the jaw bone and, if you can see them, clavicle..two areas of the female body I am partial to. Pretty.

These $5.80 sunglasses are gorgeous! Black on the outside, red on the inside..they're definitely hiding something. Now if only I could find a matching scarf...(I would also like a pair of all black glasses frames in the same shape as these..fringe bangs and glasses, the perfect student/librarian look).
Look I found a scarf. Ideally I would want it to be yellow or white, not purple..but you get the idea. These scarves (Keffiyeh) are incredibly popular right now. I wonder if people understand the significance of the print..and the Keffiyeh for the matter.

conversation...perfection

reshma says:
all women are smart...
reshma says:
ok im lying through my teeth, but you understand
jon sent 05/08/2008 1:14 AM:
all? ya right, haha
jon sent 05/08/2008 1:14 AM:
paris hilton?
reshma says:
ok! i can name more women/girls that are stupid rather than smart..but guys should THINK that all women are smart
reshma says:
thats how women get "hand"...
jon says:
haha
jon says:
perhaps
jon says:
if someone gets HAND, then the relationship is no good
reshma says:
for the guy anyway
reshma says:
women dont really mind either way i think, depends on the guy
jon says:
for the guy?
reshma says:
the relationship would be no good
reshma says:
every guy wants control..unless maybe you're a masochist..
jon sent 05/08/2008 1:23 AM:
noo
jon sent 05/08/2008 1:24 AM:
only unmarried guys waant control, haha
reshma says:
thats true, and im impressed that you can say that with such validity, lol
jon says:
well i know many relationships that fial and many that succeed
jon says:
fail*
reshma says:
yeah, so do i..lived em, lol
reshma says:
so the trick is to relinquish control until you're married..then take it away
jon says:
haha theres no trick
jon says:
you've lived them
jon says:
?
reshma says:
haha, maybe the failed
reshma says:
JOKING..
jon says:
haha well its sad but true
jon says:
what defines a successful one?
jon says:
10 yrs together?
reshma says:
no i dont think thats successful..i think its a conundrum..because, as sad and completely hopeless as it sounds, every relationship is not just "one answer"..so maybe every relationship isn't fully successful
reshma says:
but thats a very "half empty" answer
reshma says:
id rather think that most relationships are perfect in their own way, but sometimes it becomes hard to see their perfection...then you can't be successful

horrorscope

fellow libras..todays horoscope reads: You'll be put on the spot today, but the perfect words will come to you just in time. Whew, fooled them!

while I don't believe in horoscopes I do believe that if you read something like this, you will be in a frame of mind that makes you think that every bit of confrontation is that "spot".

I hate hate hate confrontation of the negative variety. I either become frazzled and lose my train of thought, and therefore have no quick and witty come back ready. or, I get really angry and put the other person/people down far worse than I had hoped.

also, where do you draw the line with friends?? how do you know when you've offended them, or should they always know that you're not being completely serious? what do you do when you feel a friend has crossed the line with something they've said?