white..?

let this be my stream of consciousness...my thoughts are completely convoluted and abstract, yet I feel they warrant a "post" as I think they eventually will come together and make sense. To me, anyway.

I am finding that I am lying, again. To myself. I started lying to my parents at such a young age, and despite verbally being told it was wrong, I don't really believe my parents really got the idea across that it would eventually hurt someone, or myself. But unlike the lies I told my parents about school work, staying up late, boys etc. these "new" lies are festering and hard to control.

My dad ironically always told me that to be a liar you had to be smart, because you had to constantly keep your story straight. So subconsciously I always believed he was giving me some deep rooted complement. But the lies I told my parents were the "did you do your homework?" "yes" and the "did you get your marks back from school?" "no" lies, where I had not done my homework and had gotten marks back from school. The lies I tell now are much more complex. They are small little white lies I tell myself, that I perpetually start believing. So far it has affected a few money related issues (thinking I have more money in my bank account than I really do), and also, some school/study issues (thinking I have more time to study). My mum always said I would raise the stakes if I continued "down the path" of dishonesty.

My biggest fear is that they will just keep duplicating in size and be thoroughly uncontrollable . I don't want to start lying to the friends, co-workers, professors etc. I believe people can truly pick up on when their being lied to; what with the urge to glance to the left and shake uncontrollably....joking.